BREAKING DOWN WALLS AND UNLOCKING TRUE POTENTIAL FOR INTIMACY IN YOUR MARRIAGE
True intimacy isn’t something that appears out of nowhere in a relationship. It takes intentionality to break down walls we’ve built because of our past, our wounds, how we were raised, and our self-protective methods.
As it’s hard enough to break down your own walls you’ve built, it’s a whole other ball game to break down your partner’s.
Humans were made for intimacy, so when we aren’t experiencing it, it’s possible we draw away from one another—if we let this continue it opens doors for disaster.
While everyone is their own person, men and women usually experience intimacy differently. Women are more emotionally driven, men are more physically driven.
Neither is wrong, just…different. While it’s important to understand how you personally experience intimacy, it’s equally vital we know how our partner experiences it.
Here are some questions that not only unlock true intimacy in your marriage, but will guide you as to how your partner experiences it in a way that speaks to them.
I remember when we were first dating. Christoph, who was my then boyfriend, was a very straight forward person. I was a bit more…complex, I guess you could say.
I was all about getting to know one another, asking the hard questions, while he wasn’t sure why that was necessary. Him being from Germany was another reason for his distance to emotions—Germans are pretty unemotionally and closed off until you get to know them more.
One conversation we had went like this.
Me – “Why don’t you tell me you love me every day?”
Christoph – “Because you already know that I love you, why should I repeat it?”
Me – “Because I need to hear it.”
Christoph – “But why?”
The issue wasn’t that he didn’t love me, the issue was how he communicated it to me. His version of intimacy was different than mine. Perhaps it was because his parents expressed their love for one another differently than mine, so that’s what he understood love to be.
My needs of feeling intimately loved were not being met, though, so communicating that was important to me.
He had to compromise in order for our intimacy to grow.
Thankfully, he’s a good man. He now tells me about five times a day that he loves me. It isn’t forced, it isn’t prompted, but it comes from his desire to show me love the way I need.
I’ve felt like it’s taken us ten years to finally get to a place where we are meeting one another’s needs with intimacy. We aren’t perfect and there are always areas of growth, but we are thankful that it’s present and still growing.
Some are hard questions—some are things that might be difficult to talk about. But this is where things get good. Transparency and working through the hard stuff breaks down walls and builds up trust. As you may know, trust is one fo the most important aspects in any relationship.
Questions to evoke emotional and relational intimacy
- What is your greatest fear?
- Where do you see us in 5, 10, 20 years?
- Do you have any regrets in your life?
- Are you content with our relationship?
- What brings you joy?
- What is something I’ve done that made you happy?
- What is something I’ve done that has made you feel unappreciated?
- What is your definition of happiness?
- Do you feel appreciated in our relationship?
- Do you feel loved?
- What’s your favorite song or album?
- What’s your favorite movie?
- What could you get lost in for hours?
- Where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years?
- What are your goals for our relationship?
- What would like to see change in our relationship?
- Do you feel like I’m proud of you?
- Do you feel respected in our relationship?
- Are your needs being met in our marriage?
- What are some things we did together that was special to you?
- What would you like to do that’s adventurous?
- Do you like it when I…?
- What are the top 3 of your favorite things we do in bed?
- What do you like about me?
- What do you like about our sex life?
- What don’t you like about our sex life?
- Is there something I can do to make you feel more appreciated/loved?
- Do you regret anything you’ve done?
- If we could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
- What would you change about yourself, if you could change anything?
- I am proud of you when…
- I am so into you becasue…
- I love you so much becasue…
- What do you value about me?
- What is the one thing you love most about me?
- The one thing I love most about you is…
- It hurts when you…
- I need…more in our marriage.
- What are some ways you feel heard?
- I love it when you…
- I hate it when you…
- I wish we could do…again.
- What 5 words would you use to describe me?
- What was the greatest moment of your life?
- If you could do anything you wanted, what would it be?
- How can I better be there for you?
- Do you feel like I’m supportive of your dreams?
- What are your dreams?
- What were you thinking when we first met?
- Do you feel resentment towards me for something I did?
- Is there anything I need to apologize for that hurt you?
- What’s your definition of a perfect day?
- What’s the biggest mistake you’ve ever made?
- Is there something in your past that you just can’t face or work through?
- Do you have good memories from your childhood?
- What is something that inspires you?
- What takes your breath away?
- Do you trust me?
- Do you feel safe with me?
- Do you feel like we are soul mates?