Falling in love and being in a healthy relationship is one of the greatest experiences ever, in my opinion. But if you want to keep a relationship strong, it takes a lot of hard work and effort. All relationships have their issues and problems that need to be overcome to keep the relationship going.
A lot of things can ruin a relationship, and one of the biggest things is insecurity. If one (or both) partners keep getting nagging feelings of insecurity or mistrust in their partner, it can cause the relationship to suffer big-time.
Usually these feelings of insecurity cause a rift between the partners, feelings of jealousy, and many other problems. And sometimes insecurity can cause a person to push their loved one away completely, which can ultimately cause the end of the relationship.
Ending a relationship because of insecurity is such a disappointment because the relationship could have been a lasting one if not for this pesky, often times unnecessary, problem. A lot of times there is no reason for the feeling in the first place and paranoia caused by feelings of insecurity usually have no basis in truth. They’re just figments of our overactive imaginations.
I’ve actually had a few people ask me how they can deal with feelings of insecurity in a relationship, and how they can let these feelings go so that they can move forward happily with their partner. So that’s what this post is all about!
Here are some ways that you can deal with feelings of insecurity in a relationship:
1.) Let go of the past.
Honestly, you can’t move forward with your current partner if you’re still living in the past. If you’ve had your heart broken in a previous relationship and you keep assuming your current partner will act like your previous partner(s), you have to stop. You need to find a way to let it go. You can’t carry around that baggage because it’s way too heavy.
Trust me, I’ve been with douche canoes. I’ve been in an emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive relationship – one that caused a huge mess in my life and left me all screwed up in my heart and in my head. And I know how hard it is to get over some stuff; I know how hard is to ever open your heart up to trust again. Because once you open your heart, you’re only asking to get hurt, right? I mean, it’s happened before so it can obviously happen again.
But you know what? It’s not fair to lump your current partner into the same category as that douche canoe that broke your heart. Don’t base your expectations of your boyfriend on how your ex acted. They’re two different people. Comparing isn’t cool so you’ve got to find a way to separate the relationships in your mind and not jump to conclusions because of what has happened to you in the past.
2.) Realize what is real and what’s imaginary.
As I said in this post here, sometimes our brains play tricks on us. Just because you think something, that doesn’t mean it’s true. We tend to think the worst in situations when we’re feeling insecure.
Let’s say your boyfriend was supposed to come over at 7:00 and now it’s 8:00; he’s still not there and he won’t answer his phone. If you’re feeling insecure, you might automatically assume that he’s ignoring you, that something is wrong with your relationship, that he’s with another woman or something like that. When in reality, he got caught up at work and hasn’t had a chance to contact you. This is what I mean by realizing what you know to be true and what you’re just assuming.
If you find yourself doing this, don’t get worked up. Just take a step back and breathe. Ask yourself if there’s any proof of what you’re thinking or if it’s just your insecurity feeding your mind these thoughts. And remember to always give your man (or woman) the benefit of the doubt. Give them a chance to explain before you get upset over nothing.
3.) Let go of your need for control.
A lot of times, overcoming insecurity also means you need to overcome your need for control. Having certain expectations that your relationship should be or needs to be a certain way can cause problems. When you’re constantly asking for reassurance that yes, your partner loves you or no, there’s nothing going on between him and that lady in his office or yes, your partner feels this way or that way, etc. – it can put a major strain on things.
Uncertainty is a normal part of life. You can’t always be certain of everything. I’m sorry, babe, but you gotta get used to it. Trying to control things is just going to spin things further out of your control. I’m just going to be brutally honest with you because I don’t know how else to say it; if he doesn’t love you, constantly asking him if he does isn’t going to change anything. And if he’s going to cheat on you, constantly worrying silently or outright nagging him about it isn’t going to stop him.
I’m not trying to bring you down or make you feel worse, I promise! All of your worries are probably not realistic anyway. Sometimes our heads just play tricks on us (like I said with #2.)
4.) Learn to love yourself.
Do you have a fear of rejection, abandonment, or loneliness? An overall sense that maybe you’re not good enough and you’re just waiting for your partner to leave you? If so, then maybe your problem is with yourself and not your partner.
When people don’t think highly of themselves, they generally seek approval from other people. And when they enter relationships, they sort of start becoming dependent on their partner for this approval. They start feeling insecure, fearful that their partner will leave them and that they won’t be able to live happily without this person.
If this sounds like you, you should start focusing on your self-esteem and confidence. Learn how to love yourself so that your partner can love you like you deserve to be loved. You can’t let all of your happiness rest in someone else’s hands – that’s no way to live life. You’re an individual and you’ve got to love yourself first.
5.) Learn to be happy in the moment.
If you’re constantly feeling insecure and second-guessing everything, your relationship will start to feel strained and full of tension. If you’re feeling the nagging feeling of insecurity, try to distract yourself and find a reason to be happy.
Plan a fun activity for you and your partner to do together. Pick something that you’ll both enjoy to help bring some spark back into your relationship. Enjoy each other’s company and make memories together.
This is a great way to deal with insecurity because it takes your mind off of the negative and helps the both of you bond and grow closer. This could, in turn, help you see that you have nothing to worry about and make you more happy with your relationship.
6.) Remember to communicate!
First of all, if you’re feeling insecure with your partner, then you obviously care about them very much and you can’t stand the thought of losing them. Keeping that in mind, communication is the key to any successful relationship.
I know so many women who, when they’re feeling insecure, keep their problems bottled up. When I ask them if they’ve talked to their partner about their feelings, their answer is no because they don’t want to bother him, scare him off, push him away, etc. In my opinion, keeping it bottled up is a good way to push your partner away. If something is bothering you, you have got to talk about it.
Be direct and let them know “Hey, this is making me feel insecure and I just want to know if there’s any reason to feel insecure about it.” If you’re feeling insecure for no reason, they’ll let you know. If they care about you, they’ll comfort you and help you overcome the feeling. But you’ve gotta try to believe them when they tell you that you that you have no reason to feel that way.